godddddddddddddddd

ghvfuohsovjdsiofjciodciodjiodsjfiowejiocncklsjiocsjiofjiosdk

flavor flav. you too good.

I need to charge my ipod, load up some flavor flav, and ride the bus all day long blasting flavor flav in my ears.

yeah.

CHEESEBURGER FOR BREAKFAST

I'm so nauseous all the time every day every night whenever I eat and whenever I am hungry. It is starting to drive me MMAAADDDDDDDDDD.

Sushi, Snickerdoodles, and Country Music.

Everything went right today but I am too tired to really care.

Summer of 2010.

This summer is the summer to live. It is the summer to be irresponsible. The summer to learn that if I eat a burger from Burger King it won't kill me. The summer to learn that if I buy mustard it won't kill me. If I go to see Toy Story in theaters it won't kill me. If I depend on other people it won't kill me. If I let people actually know me it won't kill me. If I make some mistakes it won't kill me. If I let my mother buy me things it won't kill me. If I don't give my mother money it won't kill me. If I take this summer for myself it won't kill me.

It is also the summer to think about what I have. And what I don't have. What I want, what I need, and how I can get it. To think about how I grew up and how I want to be now and how I want to live my life in the future.

I needed to learn and do these things and I could not do that at home.

Summer of 1995.

This summer is the summer that has probably most defined how I see, think, and feel about the world. It is the summer when my memories first began to crystallize in a more definite form. I have a handful of recollections from before then- backwards clothes day in preschool, eating graham crackers in the basement of a church- but nothing solid. So, in many ways, this summer is the story of my beginning. How I came into being. The foundation of my life. And while it is not a continuous timeline of my summer by any means, when I think of my childhood, these are the images and sounds and words and motions that I know and that I feel.

My best friend at the time, Julie, had come over to my house to play. When it was time for my mother to drive her back to her own home, I had decided that I would prefer not to go along for the ride. I was tired, I didn't feel like it, I wanted to watch something on television, I probably whined. My father got involved. For one reason or another he became invested in the situation and his anger and bulging eyes broke me into tears and the next thing I know I was pinned against the wall by my neck with my father's hand. I am in the hallway, to the left of the bathroom door. I can see my mother and Julie watch on as my crying slowly stifled to a stop and my arms and legs grew slightly numbed. I was told I would be going with Julie to drop her off, and I believed him. As it turns out, I was not good company for Julie in the car that day anyhow. It would be years before Julie's mother allowed her to return to my house, so I suppose the problem was solved.

I liked to walk into the room in between the living room and the kitchen, where the bookshelves were, and find the red dictionary or the white bible with the pastel illustrations. With the minimal reading skills I had, I would carefully examine the letters that made up the indents in the side of the dictionary and search for my favorite pictures in the bible. On my way over to the kitchen, I would open the liquor cabinet and deeply breathe in the smell of old wood, liquor, and dust. I reached inside around all of the glass bottles and found the lamb made of sugar that was the centerpiece of every Polish Easter table setting. After taking a lick, I would reach back around the bottles and replace the lamb into the wooden bowl full of jellybeans. I closed the cabinet and continued into the kitchen where I would sit at the table and watched my mother cook.

It was late, for a five year old at least, when I walked into the kitchen. My mother was sitting at the table, in the spot next to the wall beneath telephone. There was a half empty coffee on the table in my mother's coffee cup- glass, tinted brown, an unrounded handle. Next to it, a half empty bottle of wine. In my mother's hand was a wine glass, also half empty. On my mother's face were tears. I continued to the cabinet and reached for the identical copy of my mother's coffee cup and filled it with milk. The brown tint of the glass made the contents look very similar to my mother's unfinished coffee. I took a seat at the far end of the table, closest to the back door. I took a sip of my milk as my mother took a sip of her wine. I looked at my mother's face as tears rolled down her cheeks. There was once a time when I would have climbed into her lap, extended my arms, and offered a hug. I can't remember that time, but I can feel it. But by this summer I knew that was no longer welcome. I had grown accustomed to the hugs being pushed away, the embrace greeted with more annoyance than welcome. So I did what had become the new tradition. I sat across the table, in a parallel world, hoping my mother felt a comfort in my presence that I no longer felt in hers.

Summer of 2008.

This summer is the best summer on record. Just graduated high school, gearing up for college, smoking, drinking, making money. I don't remember this summer. I remember words and phrases that defined this summer, but the memories themselves- the images and motions and sounds- completely evade me.

"Oh look, it's us again." Khadijah, Minh, Anna, me.

"Noodle nap time." Absolutely delicious Vietnamese feasts followed by napping and cuddling.

"Lank battles." Always the winner.

"Jeeks and Peter." Self-explanatory.

The rest is blank. Goddamn lyme disease. All I know is that when I

think back to the summer of 2008, it wasn't perfect. It wasn't without its faults. But there is a general feeling of goodness when I think about it.

I can look at pictures, and know that it was good.

Summer of 1999.

This summer is the summer I remember most vividly in my mind. It was marked by three friends- Jamie, Kristina and Kerri- not so much by choice but rather by circumstance. We all had a mutual understanding about each others' lives and none of us ever felt compelled to talk forthright about it. It was marked by misadventures. There were several run-ins with the police that, looking back, seems to be several run-ins too many for a pack of 9 year old girls. But mostly it was marked by freedom. Not the kind that most kids crave but the kind that leaves a bitter taste on the tongue by the end of the day.

The feeling of indestructibility was intoxicating. The air wreaked of it. We knew, or so we believed, that the only thing that could devastate us was what lived inside the houses we ran from. Jamie's mother was bipolar, Kerri's house was marinated in liquor, Kristina's parents both worked full time jobs, and my house was, well, my house. If the plan was to grab some lunch at my place, but as we walked across the back porch we heard the sounds of dishes breaking and screaming, Kerri would mention the pack of bacon newly purchased at her house which was obviously the superior food choice. And if once we got there her mother had a tall glass of whiskey in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and was slurring to herself, Jamie would recall how much she hated bacon in the first place and talk about the ice cream and cones in her kitchen. And so it would go until we found a moment of temporary peace at one of our homes. When that wasn't an option, we would continue to Friendly's where we had befriended the Haitian waiter who would tell us about his family back in Haiti and offer us free plates of french fries.

The days would start well before breakfast. We would go to the abandoned school a couple of blocks from our street and sit on the rocks and play with acorn tops or go in the woods to try to find the fort that Jamie's older sister built there. (We never did find it but did have the cops called on us, turns out it was a private area and our disturbances were not welcome.) We would make up dances to Britney Spears songs. We would make movies. We would craft posters that encouraged drivers to honk their horns if they loved or supported various causes and keep tally of how many honked, how many read the sign the did not honk, and how many picked their noses. On the corner of Oak and Maple, the "Honk if you love rainbows" poster got two nose-pickers.

Days would turn into nights and we would play on. By dark, the streets were our playground. An all time favorite was playing Red Light, Green Light with the traffic light at the Oak and Chestnut intersection. The traffic light would always win. When we grew tired we would walk over to the sewage grate closest to Kristina's house with the S on it, spit on it (which was what the S signified), and lie in the middle of the street and discuss our next move. By then it was generally time for some late night TV or a movie marathon. We were friendly with the folks who worked at the Blockbuster down the street so we were allowed to rent whichever movies we wanted. The most memorable rental was that of American Pie and Silence of the Lambs.

To us, sleep was beyond the point and I pulled more all nighters then than I would advise to anyone. By sunrise, it was time to start our days again and off we would go. There were certainly strings of days that would go by without me seeing or speaking with my family. But inevitably, after a few days, total exhaustion would seep in and we split up to go sleep in our respective houses for the next 36 hours until we could run loose once more. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Okay.

Okay.

COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE

Hello sir, I love you.

These past few weeks have been the most beautiful weeks of my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

p.s. I can't wait to see all of you Beautiful People.

Today.

I woke up after a good night's sleep.

I went and had a productive group meeting about our exoplanet project.

I watched some funny videos.

I went to class, first and second half.

I came home and made dinner,

I did some makeup work for class while watching lost.

I went to a Bej's with K,

I played guitar,

I taught calculus.

I am going to bed early to go to work tomorrow.

Just regular, just what I needed,

Thank you.

I could do this again sometime.

blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah no motivation blah blah blah

blah blah

blah blah blah

lets get trashed.

blah.

pizza egg saves lives.

ooooooooooooooohhhhh godddddddddddddddddddddd i'm having that midlife crisis i have every so often where i realize i might be crazy.

this time it was because i was looking at a picture of myself that was really regular of me just standing by myself at a party and it was FREAKING ME OUT because if there is a photograph of me then i was NOT invisible that night. and i hate not being invisible when i think i am. and then i turned over and looked at my cat wall and then started to say hi cat hi cat hi cat hi upside-down cat to each cat. and then i thought, oh god, i may have a chronic mental illness.

but that was just a mini midlife crisis. i think i may be over it now. i like to push all thoughts like that out of my head and remember that i'm just regular and boring.

last night was pleasant. i was Very Friendly. everyone got plenty of hugs and kisses and i love yous. i ran and leapt into my husbands arms multiple times. my memory of that event favors the idea that i was just like an angel swiftly floating into an embrace but i fear in reality it was more akin to a bull driving a monster truck and hurling itself towards a Riff-Raff. i think i'll stick with my version.

what am i doing this summer?

if there is one thing that college taught me is that i just want to Play. play play play play play play.

i got out of bed today and yesterday and the day before. maybe i can keep it up. i'm going to keep it up. because what can i do if not get out of bed each morning?

I am not thinking about food right now. Maybe a vegan hot dog, but not really even that.

wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

I am taking Astronomy and Cosmologies this term and I really really really really love it but every time I am in class I think AHHHHH I NEED TO NOT BE IN CLASS. But I only have class twice a week so it shouldn't be a problem. But it somehow is. Even though I love it. I get antsy and hyperventilate and overheat and so I don't pay attention and I then I leave too soon. It might be this new thing that I am trying, Sober and Awake in Class 2010. Since there are no morning classes I am awake and since I'm respectable I am being more respectable. And it would be working if I had any ability to pay attention. But I'm so into everything that we are doing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

It was free burrito and coffee day. Need I say more.

Today I did a lot of reflecting on making friends. I've never made friends before this year. Other people make friends and then I hang out with the old friends and the new people. And then it just sort of one day makes us into friends. But this year I tried a new thing called Making Friends. I didn't do it on purpose at first but then I made a friend on purpose and now we're friends. He is the first friend I ever made on purpose and I don't care for it. It weirds me out now that we're friends. Creepy. And then other people made friends with me. Also very creepy. Like today friends were asking me to hang out and it was as though I had friends. It is just not something that I quite understand. Maybe other people have been doing this all along and I am just late to the game. Very possible.

Oh, but in my class we are doing research projects. And I am partners with Bej and we are doing a project on exoplanets. I'm so excited. So so so excited. Yes.

I am dislodged from time today. No time has ever been the right time so far today. It might have something to do with it being free coffee day but I don't think so. I love free coffee day. It happens every once in a while and all I do is coffee coffee coffee all day. No one notices.

update update update wah wah wah

I have also been thinking about how this is the most I've lived in one place without itching to leave. But I've also been thinking lately about how I am itching to leave. I can't imagine doing this again next year. It seems as though it would be far too monotonous. I don't think it would be because things change pretty quick around these parts but just thinking about having classes in the same buildings and walking the same paths to places makes me antsy. I don't like new places but I don't like old places. I like comfortable but from a distance places. Familiar but not intimate places.

oogum boogum oogum boogum

I find out whether I got my job out here for this summer very shortly. If I do get it then it will be quite the summer I think. I really really really want Mel to live with me on the island and have a great time, but her parents are pretty much telling her that she can't stray too far from them even though it seems that she wants to stay out here too. But thats kind of a nice problem to have, you know? (I have also been thinking a lot about nice problems to have. I started realizing all the nice problems people have and then I started realizing all the nice problems I have. Like feeling too comfortable in a place- that's a nice problem to have. Or not being able to decide what to eat for dinner- that's a nice problem to have.) But if I don't get the job then I don't know what I will do. I am looking into working the ranch life in Colorado or Montana or some equally nonexistent state. That would be strange.

In other news, I got married a few weeks ago. His name is Riff Raff. He is the love of my life. He is the Most Popular Guy in the ALLL the World. And I am the Most Beautiful Girl in ALLLLLL the World. We didn't have those titles when we got married, our marriage is based purely on love. We got married at the Mango House, had our first dance and everything. We renewed our vows a few days later on facebook. We had our honeymoon last Thursday at Glitter Mansion. We had our first fight last Friday morning at Glitter Mansion. He's a dream boat.

Thank you and goodnight.

I almost pierced my own ears last night.

I was asking Ni for a needle, ice, and an apple. I was probably about a quarter way through my drink.

Technology was not my friend last night. I always think it will be my friend, it never is. The only coherent thought I could produce was either I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU or FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Drink more 2010 was definitely put to use this weekend. I think maybe it should be put to rest. I should probably take a preemptive advil.

Ack ack ack ack ack ack ack.

I think I need another week off.

I really just want a house where I can just walk in and then take a nap in that isn't this apartment. I will bring a giant bowl of noodles and then give away all my noodles and then nap and then wake up and then nap again. That is what I want.

This is not what I want.

Breakfast Burrito

Sleeping is for pussys. Why sleep when you can just stay up all night?

Avocado

The neighbors just woke up. Their window looks into my window. Their light turned on.

Maybe I should wake up now. TIME TO GREET THE DAY.

Fish Sandwich

Its 6 am. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

THE HOLIDAYS: a haiku series

Christmas Eve dinner,

a family tradition,

never lasts too long.

Salad and crab cakes,

barszcz, fish and rice for dinner.

Ten minutes and gone.

Last at the table,

I finish my meal in peace,

the wine was left out.

Four in the morning.

Still drunk, a bit hungover,

writing haikus.

Persimmons

Oh my, the end of 2009 already. The last couple weeks of school just went by so quickly and now its already a week into winter break and pretty soon winter quarter will start back up again. Outrageous.

Break has been so much more pleasant that expected. Despite a few rocky days there when I had no friends, everything has been just great. I've come to a new understanding about my family, we had a (partial, KHADIJAH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN) reunion with friends, I've watched some nice movies, I got myself a whole stack of books that I need to read and started on it, I've been chatting with people from school, I've been making some money at work, and I'm a Phone Person now. I make calls and I receive them and then talk to people. Radical.

So today, I only ate the BEST food. For breakfast I had a nice warm cup of Earl Grey tea with a bowl of bigos with a slice of polish bread and a few grapes on the side. Then for lunch I cooked myself up some garlic, onion, broccoli, eggplant, tomato and salmon with some mozzarella cheese over some spaghetti. SO GOOD. And then for dinner I had a nice spinach salad with walnuts and apple and some pierogi. I swear, I could not have been happier with my food choices today. AND THEN tomorrow I get crab cakes. How great.

Saturday me and K decided is knit/crochet party since she needs to learn how to knit and I need to learn how to crochet. And then Sunday is noodle nap time at M's. And then next week I get to work some more and J and Jo will be there! How nice! And then its New Years! And then M's birthday! And then I'm back to school already. Crazy.