bfundcjkxmz,

There are a lot of things I could say right now. But I'm not sure what  is the one appropriate.

None of them probably. Oh my. What should I say?

But by appropriate I mean, which one am I least ashamed of.

Nothing is shameful is the thing.

Just stupid.

Good.

I don't know. Everything is going well. Everything is going fine. 

Had a good conversation with someone tonight though, which was very pleasant, and actually reassuring to some extent.

Everything is as it should be, but I get sort of bored of that quite easily.

I like everything the way it is. But I find it incredibly mundane. I need change, but I'm afraid of it. 

But everything is good. Everything seems plain right now, but maybe that's a good thing.

WHY YES, I HAVE BEEN MAKING THE STUPIDEST STUPIDEST STUPIDEST CHOICES. AND YES, I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO NEED TO STOP. THE CONSEQUENCES ARE NOT ENTIRELY UNSERIOUS.

i've been trying to remember proper ettiquete. but i can't recall anything i am right now. ******sorry.

ughhhhhhh

UGH

I have a lot to say. But I am too drunk to say it right now.

I managed to not acquire the racism and antisemitism and homophobia and all the other hatred he tried to teach me. Except for the hatred of women.

That one just seemed so reasonable. So right.

Watching my father interact with his two toddlers is very much like watching him be a father for the first time.

Bittersweet.

on my way homeeeeeee

I LIE AND I CHEAT AND I LIE AND I CHEAT I LIE AND I CHEAT I LIE AND I CHEAT

AND THEN I'M SURPRISED WHEN I AM DISAPPOINTED BY THE RESULTS.







LITERALLY. WHAT AM I DOING.



I BELIEVE THE SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM IS TO MAKE A DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY BLUEBERRY BANANA SMOOTHIE, POUR THE REST OF MY GIN IN THERE, AND SMOKE FOUR CIGARETTES WHILE I WAIT FOR MY LAUNDRY TO BE DONE. THEN BUY BEER.

Yes, I believe I will feel better then.

xdcfvgjhbkjklnuiyutcvg bnbvyxdcvbknl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

literally shut up right now.

chronically tired.

dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yer doin it wronggggggggg

I'm soooooooooo popular.

fuuuuuuuuck ittttttttttttt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

skipping class.

lolz.

failing out right before i graduate ftw.

everything going right in my life.

can't imagine why so miserable.

would like to nap for three days while the world on pause.

what to do.

Spent too much money on a very short trip to Colorado. Need to breathe some fresh mountain air and stay with an amazing family.

Will be great if I can get over crippling guilt over spending money on myself. Why is it so much easier to send my mother to Disney World than sending myself to anywhere?

everything i ded

LOL

SRSLY DYING

LOL

PITY POst

convincing urself u r the worst person ever can really bring a girl down.

LOL

SO MANY THINGS TO SAYYYY

WILL BULLET POINT. 

1. I am going to graduate this yeeear! Will do the whole graduation ceremony thang in June (the 10th. y'all should comeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and then take summer classes to finish up them credits. CRAZY

2. Maybe moving back to Boston next year. 

3. Was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO jeeked last night. Haven't smoked for like two million years then got SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO high like I did when I first started smoking. Awesome. 

4. Will be home March 31st for like a week. Will be slightly busy with the family thing but PLAYYY WIT MEEE.

5. Three bands played a show at my house last night. Was very fun and will happen more often. Very Olympia. 

6. I am very ready to graduate college. Not that I don't luuuuuuuv my college but I feel very much like I've had my college experience and I'm ready to move on. It's brilliant how nicely it is all getting timed out. 

7. S&M-- Rihanna. Play it over and over obsessively for the rest of your week. It is great. You're Welcome. 

8. This past week or so has arguably been one of the best of my liiiiiiiiiife. I haven't been horribly miserable nor have I had the energy of a thousand suns. I have been very balanced. It is amazing how easy life can be when I am living it as I should be. The only thing is I feel very rushed to finish everything I've been wanting to get done while I'm still in a place of functioning. Been doing a lot of reflecting on this but have not reached any conclusions. 

9. I MIISSSSS YOU. 

10. Spring is coming. Mixed feelings on the subject. Spring is great but there are perks to winter too.

11. Spring break is also coming. Will be nice. A lot of people are just staying around town for most of it with little overnight getaways. Been invited to a couple of them so I will probably go to San Juans for a couple of days then cabin by Mount Baker for a couple of days. Spend the rest of the time hangin around here. It's nice because my spring break is like two weeks. A solid period of rest.

12. EDUCATION REFORM.  I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT. I believe it will be my life's work. It's dumb because my sister also wants to work with education reform. And thats so gross to me that we would both be doing the same thing. I'm not sure why I think its gross but it is definitely the feeling of "gross" that I am feeling about it. I'm sure we have radically different view about how to change the education system and I would LOOOOOVE to have a nice lively debate about it with her but lively debates usually end up with her getting very upset and bursting into tears and storming off. Probably because my arguments are bullet proof and she gets frustrated at how wise her little sister is. Most likely. 

13. It will be nice to live in Boston for a little bit I think. I will get to see all of y'all which will be nice since I see you guys like once a year for a few days. But mainly I will see my brother more. It's funny because I'm not even sure all of you have met him. I'm pretty sure many of you haven't and even if you had it was probably for like two seconds. But he is my faaaaaavorite brother in ALLLLLL the world. It's super frustrating because there is really not way to stay in contact with him while I'm away. We were always very close growing up (in a weird  he's autistic so we don't hang out but when either of us are upset we try to comfort each other sort of way). I'm always very worried he will forget about me or something. But he still asks for me sometimes which is nice to know that he thinks about me. 

14. It's also weird to think that I could possibly stop living here in a few months. I was thinking about how much of a life I have built for myself here. How many friends I've made. Its kind of absurd. There are all these things that I do everyday that are just part of my routine. I take the bus every day. I pay my rent. Pay the bills. Bills! I have bills to pay! I'm one of those people who have to pay bills. Like one of those Real People. I hang out with Maggie a lot. When she goes to bed her roommates give me beer and whiskey and make me food and we stay up till 3 am watching bad movies or the twilight zone, playing apples to apples or nintendo 64 jeopardy. I have dinner nights with Nina where we make delicious food and drink cheap wine. I have pierogi making parties with the two Mellisas. We have potlucks at Rachel and Andy's. I drop by Melanie, Emma and Adrienne's house occasionally. Jules and Jared and I hang out in my room. I go to Anna's house and usually just lay in their bed and eavesdrop on Benji and Anna and Jesse's conversations and music. Jake comes over and we play. I go to bars downtown. We play beer pong at Avery's. I do all these things and none of these things because I don't have time for it all! I see everyone on the weekends where we host parties. I have school. I go to class (even though some people don't believe me). I learn about advanced electromagnetism and quantum mechanics and differential equations and linear algebra. I can find the laplacian of equations in cylindrical coordinates. I can derive cylindrical coordinates. I can do all these things! And I do all these things! I live here and do all these things because this is my life. I can't imagine leaving it but I certainly cannot imagine staying here forever. There is a traveler in me. 

15. I don't need much. I don't need to make all this money to buy all these things because I don't need anything. I need some satisfying food. I need people. I need to learn. I need to do something. I need to go places. I need to have somewhere to sleep. I don't need much else. 

16. That said, I have all this stuff. I have clothes for miles. I have infinitely less clothes than some people but it still feels like TOO MUCH. But I wear everything I have. But if I didn't have it would I miss it? I have nail polish, I have some necklaces, and I have all these shoes. I will keep it all until my lifestyle demands otherwise. 

17. This is very long and I am just sort of rambling about thoughts in my head. YOU LOVE IT. 

18. On the topic about friends, I never even THOUGHT about how many PLACES I have friends. I have all of y'all in and around Boston of course. I have everyone in Olympia. And all these Olympia people come from everywhere. Hawaii, Ohio, Washington, Washington DC, California, Colorado. Jules is moving to Chicago. I have befriended the families of Kelsea and Avery. I am friends with Avery's friends from the San Juans. I have people from many places. I want it to stay that way. I will need to visit these people and go to these places. 

19. I worry about getting depressed again. It happens often. I can't start a new job in a new place (even if it is Boston, it will be new) when I can't do the most basic things. I worry about this a lot. If I started a new job in a new place tomorrow I could do it and be great at it. But who knows what will be happening come September? Sanity is a gift and I treat it as such. It makes me feel insane to say that. 

20. I don't care what most other people think. I care about what people who matter think. These are true things. 

21. I will be 21 soon. I will be turning 21 ten days after I graduate college. I hate my birthday. I'm a brat about my birthday I think. I wish I wasn't a brat about it but I don't think I know how. I also think that I should be able to be a brat about my birthday. But I think that is what birthdaybratme says. 

22. I am passionate about education reform because I had to do so much thinking in college but what I like to do. Why should I just be figuring it out in college? Why shouldn't I have been given the opportunity for that in elementary school? And in middle school? And in high school? Needham High School was a Good School. Everyone graduates from there. The teachers are Good. People get into Ivy League schools. I was a Good Student in a Good School. I took all the hardest classes. I got all the best grades. By all accounts I am a success story from the Public School System. And that means nothing. Behind the scenes, I did nothing throughout high school. I sat through class and did pretty much nothing else. Nothing excited me so I didn't put any effort into anything. I read none of the assigned reading. My homework was done in the hour before school in the morning. I managed to get good grades because I am very good and making it look like I should get good grades. So even when the education system "works" it doesn't work. And when,  by their own standards, it "doesn't work", its absurd. The first part of your life is so defined by your school experience, its so important to get it right. I will travel the country and the world and teach at schools of all flavors and I will create the perfect system and SAVE THE WORLD. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23. I am going to eat Vietnamese Sandwiches with Anna and Benji soon. Have I mentioned that yet? It's super exciting. 

24. I have this super sick obsession with Subway. It isn't even that I love their sandwiches that much, but I'm obsessed. It's something about not being allowed to eat there as a child I guess. Which is weird because I wasn't allowed to eat lots of things as a tyke but I'm not obsessed with any of them. But I guess Subway stuck. I literally am obsessed with it. I think about it like, all the time. I mention this because Kelsea has a giftcard to there and we are going on a Subway date sometime this week. 

25. I am actually in kelsea's bed right now. She has an insanely comfortable mattress topper. And a fully functioning laptop.

26. I will tell you ALL ABOUT MY day. 

8:30 am- woke up still very drunk, drunk dialed the usual crowd with kelsea. 

9:30 am- crawled up to kelsea's room where nina was sleeping, got into bed and snuggled with nina. then kelsea got into bed too and we watched Skins Season four, the last episode. 

10:30 am- kelsea and nina left and I started working on my project. Analyzing the magnetic field of the permanent magnet motor my group and I built. While listening to Rihanna and Nicki Minaj.

11:30 am- Breakfast! I ate some brie (SPECIAL BONUS PURCHASE COURTESY OF ANNA FINDING THE BARGAIN HUNTER AT GROCERY OUTLET. ONE DOLLAR OFF. MAKING ALLLL THIS BRIE ONLY ONE DOLLAR. Love me some Grocery Outlet) with french bread from the on campus food bank. I drank it with some unsweetened iced tea. I remembered to take my vitamins and then I ate a little apple sauce. I watched Brothers & Sisters on Hulu while I ate. I thought about how much I love brie. Because it's a lot. 

12:30 pm- I worked a little more on my project. Then I got distracted by facebook. And by blogging. 

It is now 2:10 and I am blogging. 

2:45 pm- I will catch the bus where I will meet Anna and Benji then we will go to Nammy's- the new local vietnamese sandwich shop. 

Whatevr o'clock- I will return home and digest while working on my project. I really like analyzing data. It's dumb.

Very soon after- I will clean the bathroom. I WILL clean the bathroom. I WILLLLLLL clean the bathroom. I need to clean the bathroom. 

After I CLEAN THE BATHROOM o'clock- I will read Copenhagen, a play about Bohr and Heisenberg. But most likely I will crawl into Kelsea's bed and make her watch a movie with me. 

26. I can't be positive why I'm still doing this. It is a combination of project-working procrastination and waiting to catch the bus time. You get to know ALL ABOUT MY LIFE.

27. It is Week 10 which means lots of work to do. Finals this week, final presentation, final final final. 

28. I like who I am. 

29. I like you.

30. Beep

31. I think I said everything I can say actually. EVERYTHINGGG EVER. 

YOU SHOULD TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR LIVES NOW. I WANT TO KNOW IT ALL. 

I think I was going on the basis that I would want to know all this information about you so I figured you would want to know this information about me. But I think I forgot about my love of the mundane details of people's lives. So maybe you did not like some of that. But that is okay with me. But I want to know ALLLLLLLLL the mundane and not mundane details of your life. I especially like details about everything you ate today. 

PLEASE DO IT. 

*** Okay, so I was downstairs for a minute and I thought, "Oh no! I forgot to tell them something!" Which I will tell you in a second, but the weird part is that I don't know why I think that this is the "one thing" I forgot. I did not tell you many things about the entirety of my life but somehow I think that this belongs on the list.
32. When I get dressed in the morning (or whenever I happen to be dressing myself) I don't put much thought into what I wear. But thats not the important thing. The important thing is that what takes me the longest time is choosing my socks. It takes me a very long time to choose my socks. What socks I wear is not an arbitrary choice. I do not just grab socks. I think about the perfect sock for the situation. It is important that the socks match. I get very upset when I find the perfect sock but its match is not around. Then I have to choose the second best socks. That happened this morning. Another important deciding factor is practicality. My feet CANNOT be too warm. Do I want my feet to be snug in my shoe today or slightly more free? Do I want tall socks? More breathable socks? Can I have a hole in my sock today or will my feet be spending a lot of time outside of shoes? Long list of qualifications. The other factor is FASHION. They must go with my outfit. Not that I even look in the mirror while dressing the rest of myself. Not that I even care if the rest of my outfit is matching. But my socks must be HIGH FASHION. Although I think my idea of the appropriate sock for a given ensemble is very different than other peoples. But I think my socks look gooooooood. Socks are important to me.

Okay. Now I'm done. 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.